Leaving without leaving

Back in 2017, we started noticing something was off. My mom's daily life became a struggle. Simple tasks that she once managed easily became confusing, and the grind of daily routines overwhelmed her. She began to search the internet, worried that these signs might be the early indicators of Lewy body dementia.

After some tests she didn't initially want to undergo and a brain scan, the doctor delivered the tough news - Lewy body dementia. Fortunately, my dad, who'd been by her side for 44 years, had recently retired and was there to support her.

Over the past few years, our family has gone through a surreal and challenging journey. My mom started having vivid hallucinations daily, seeing strangers in our home or believing our living room was filled with guests, even though it was empty. She'd even buy treats for these imagined visitors. Sometimes, she'd see two different versions of my dad or mistake me for a social worker. When evening fell, she'd get anxious, often crying and insisting she wanted to go home, despite being in her home since 1979.

My dad has taken on the role of her full-time caregiver. He receives support from the Green Cross, where my mom worked for 27 years. His calm, loving approach and the structured daily routine are helping to maintain my mom's condition as stable as possible in the past year. However, we can't ignore the gradual decline, with her keeping her eyes closed most of the time and having less interaction with us as a family.

As her son, living in Berlin, it's been a struggle. Wanting to be there for her, offering love and hugs, is always tempered by the sadness of seeing her condition worsen. Still, we find moments of joy in small things - a shared wink, playful exchanges in our made-up language, moments when we forget about the seriousness of life and just laugh.

"Leaving without Leaving" is more than a photography project; it's a personal story. Through these photos, it shows the harsh reality of Lewy body dementia and the love and care my dad provides. For me, it's a way to deal with the complex feelings that come with this experience of ambiguous loss and a tribute to the strength of family.

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These photos were shown in a group exhibition in Berlin at Kunstraum Kreuzberg called "Aporia" in November 2022, as part of the conceptual documentary photography seminar at Ostkreuzschule für Fotografie, led by Michael Grieve. This exhibition features just a small selection of my work.